the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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