this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
