I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
