got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
