I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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