Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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