Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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