the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Found the puke drawer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
