I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
