I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
