Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
