Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
