Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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