My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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