I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
