I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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