Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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