I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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