youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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