You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
