Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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