Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
