I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
