The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
