I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
