she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
