remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
