I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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