You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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