Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
