NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
