so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
