Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
