Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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