your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
