Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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