His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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