Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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