I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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