i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
