Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
