I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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