if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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