I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
