Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
