do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
