I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
