Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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