This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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