I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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