she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
